Guilt: Righting our Wrongs: And How to not Fear the Process
The work of being a person requires constant effort towards understanding both the needs of self and our actions within the larger community around us. We are after all, social beings who rely heavily on our sense of belonging and safety within the context of those around us. So how do we recognize guilt from other emotions and what do we do with it when it bears down on our sense of self, safety, or belonging? We engage in reflection about our actions and then in thoughtful action to rectify any wrongs we may have committed to heal and grow.
Understanding Guilt
Guilt is a rather contentious emotion due to its questionable validity from situation to situation. Some people may consider it pointless to feel guilty because it could be based on the opinion-based judgement of others. In other circles it holds value specifically because of that fact and can inform us of ways to adjust our behaviors to better align with our values in the context of larger community building. Guilt is, at its most basic level, an awareness that we seem to have broken some moral code, law, or social pact by our words or actions and we fear the offense will or has negatively impacted those around us. Whether or not it is reasonable to feel that way can be a matter of opinion. More importantly, what we choose to do with that awareness is how we move forward and avoid further internal turmoil.
Guilt can also be misunderstood as shame at times. The easiest way to differentiate the two is that guilt is the negative emotion associated with specific choices of behavior while shame is the negative emotion associated with who we are. When we make mistakes we feel guilty for having done so. When we feel negative judgement because we are inherently flawed or unworthy of love we feel shame.
To Change or Not to Change
The first place to go in processing guilt is (as it most often is with anything) communication. We must communicate our feelings to those involved to get a better sense of if we have truly committed an act that is worth feeling such strain over or if our minds are just creating reasons. It is best to start with the people who were specifically affected by our words or actions. Beyond that, talking with trusted family, friends, or mental health professionals can further illuminate a more complex perspective to confirm our place within the chain of events.
Adaptation is a Choice
After developing clarity about our choices and their impacts, it is then time to choose what we do with it. Some important questions to ask are: Do I want to be around people who hold the values that led to this conflict? Are their values aligned with mine such that I care to change my behavior because of the way it affects them? If the answer is no, then it may be a simple matter of making changes to the people you spend time with because they do have a shared value set that aligns with you and you would feel inauthentic making changes to live in harmony with them.
*This point is not meant to provide an easy out when we simply do not want to feel guilty. Rather, in some situations those around us can have nefarious intentions and be inflexible to the point that we are being taken advantage of in some malicious way. That is why during this step it is important to consult those we trust to help provide unbiased perspectives for the context of our responses.
Actions Will Always Speak Louder
Once we are clear on the reasons for the guilt and have chosen to make changes it is important to then take intentional steps (specific to the situation) to change our behaviors in the hopes of communicating our guilt and desire to avoid similar occurrences in the future. Words can have their place (more on that later) but without action there is no change that would avoid the same breaking of trust that led to our guilt in the first place. The moment we make the same mistake in the same way not only is trust broken a second time about that specific action; trust is broken in the mere fact that we can be aware of our mistakes and that our words are truthful about wanting to avoid them in the future. Thus, any words or actions from that point on start losing all meaning and it is only those affected who can allow space for more chances. We then have to accept their decisions to do so whether we like it or not. If that person/those people do not give space it is our final responsibility/opportunity to address our own guilt by respecting their wishes and moving forward with the lessons learned.
Can Words Communicate Growth?
Yes, absolutely. What is important to remember about how we respond with our words when we feel guilty is again, how thoughtful we are in the response. Hollow apologies or even blame shifting such as “I am sorry you feel that way” or “I know we both made mistakes” are sneaky ways we can try to unburden ourselves from the full responsibility of our guilt. Instead we can communicate sincere efforts to change by speaking on our own choices and how they impacted the others involved. Something like “I see how my actions affected you. I am sorry for how they did and here are the ways I am going to change to avoid that in the future. Is there anything I may have missed or ways I can refine those changes to best communicate to you that I do not want you to feel this way because of my actions again?”. By being specific about how our actions impacted others and collaborating on intended changes to our own behavior we communicate the thoughtfulness of considering their side and the effort spent to find genuinely meaningful changes. As always, we still have to follow through in action but by using this kind of approach we add depth and start to rebuild that trust in the social bond that had fractured.
Healing From Guilt
Guilt is a complex emotion and one that requires intentional reflection to sift through. To heal from guilt is to understand what brought it on and to make thoughtful changes through our words and behaviors to either rebuild fractured relationships or distance ourselves from those who would use it as a tool for manipulation. We must rely on our own intuition in concert with those we trust for guidance to better grow from guilt in a healthy way. Guilt is less about sitting with the emotion and more about acting upon it. Guilt is as much self-care as it is caring for others and once we have that awareness we can work through it with the same compassion and thoughtfulness as any other emotion.
At RAFT Counseling, we understand just how complex guilt can be and know how difficult it is to work through all that is associated with it. We would love to provide support to you or a loved one no matter where in the process you may be. Simply visit our website or contact us to get connected with a counselor who can support you on your journey.