School Thriving: Challenging The Fear of Fitting In

One of the many challenges faced when growing up is the transition to finding your own identity and social group. This major internal development produces enough stress on its own without being added onto by all the other pressures of modern life. Taking the time to check in with yourself and not get too tangled in the web of stressors that come with a new school year can make a big difference in your mental health now and in the future. Below is a post meant to provide background on the various stressors that may come up and encourage cognitive and behavioral tools that can support mental wellness in this often chaotic life stage. 

Common School Year Stressors

A new school year comes with many challenges, new and old. Some are just a part of the process that cannot be changed like getting back into the routine of early mornings after a summer of extra sleep. There are however, many more subtle and not-so-subtle stressors that kids can be dealing with during this time of year including: 

• Managing increased workload at school
• Figuring out if it is possible and how to keep up with the new, more complex school subjects and content
• Taking the next step in identity development by evaluating social interactions to learn about themselves through trial and error (and fixating on the days when it feels like only errors)
• Decision fatigue from constant choices every day about who they want to be and how they want to present themselves around peers.
• Feeling the pressure of “making the most” of the year and worrying about getting left behind
• Developing self-care skills around hard decisions such as going to sleep at a reasonable time to feel rested the next day or just dealing with the fatigue
• And many more…

Obviously there is a constant stream of new decisions to make in new environments with new people; but, in addition to that, those decisions may feel like every one of them is life altering and has to be perfect.

Internal Effects Of Social Pressures

It is easy to imagine the stress inducing effects can have when trying to find stability and confidence in youth. The stress of making the right decisions because of the threat of consequences for the wrong ones can easily overwhelm anyone. Some of the ways this stress can show up include: 

• Changes to self-esteem: Putting yourself out there will always be a gamble. Through that trial and error things can either prove or disprove whatever reasons we have for believing in ourselves. When we make mistakes it can seriously impact core beliefs that are only just starting to solidify in mid to late childhood. 
• Fear of standing out: When the most important thing is finding a group to fit in with, the worst that can happen is standing out and making it known that you are somehow different. While the ultimate goal of any healthy individual is to feel safe and comfortable with who they are, that is a big thing to achieve when you are only starting to understand how to stand on your own. This can bring about constant nervous system activation and fear like the common ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling
• Discomfort of conforming: Some can be quite self-aware early on in life and this can lead to a war between who they feel they are internally and what they see as necessary to achieve social integration with peers. That can mean unexpected choices that go against what they are comfortable with, sparking questions about their place in the world and what is okay for the world to expect of them. 
• Dread of facing mistakes: When the inevitable mistakes or embarrassing moments happen it can lead to constant rumination about their impact and what is needed to fix them. This opens a whole new branch of questions to ask and choices to make on top of life’s regular daily responsibilities. 

The minefield of growing up is a trial everyone has to face and for some it comes naturally but for others it does not. Sometimes things fall into place and opportunities are abundant, and sometimes the right path has to be pursued and fought for. It is in the chaos of keeping up with the change that anxiety and depression can creep in. 

Whether from others questioning your choices or value; or your mind constantly doing the same - anxiety can bring about a non-stop feeling of being on edge that drowns out the capacity to relax and enjoy life. Whether decision fatigue has led to isolation or, sleep deprivation has made it feel impossible to do all the things everyone asks of you - depression can find its way into muting the joy of new experiences while also making avoidance feel like a refuge worth any sacrifice. 

For those that are facing challenges with this process you are not alone. Not only are you not alone, many people before you have gone through it and worked to develop some techniques and tools to help ease the stress. 

Cognitive Shifts To Renew Your Mind

Perception is a powerful thing and humans in particular have the ability to skillfully wield it to their advantage or disadvantage. Below are some of the techniques that we can use to catch and challenge how we view ourselves and the world to make the one thing we can influence (our minds) a better space to inhabit.

How Big Of A Deal Do You Want It To Be? 

Most people will tell you school years had their ups and downs and that much of it is hard to remember. Sure there are times of success and times of embarrassment but so many things happen in life that they become nothing more than a drop of water in an ocean of memories. In the moments when it feels like nothing can improve or a mistake is going to ruin your life; catch it and remind yourself that if you choose it to be not a big deal then that is what it is. Others can choose what is and is not a big deal so why can’t you do the same? 

Time Is A Great Ally

Any single moment of embarrassment is just that, a moment. Do you remember pulling a push door 10 years ago? Or saying a word wrong? Or tripping in the hallway? Remember how many other memories you have made between that moment and now. Choosing to remember just how long and full life can be puts into reference the small mistakes we may make on any given day. 

What We Do Not What We Did

Another aspect of keeping the larger picture in mind is that most people come to care more about how someone reacts and adapts over time than any single moment. If something embarrassing happens or you make a mistake people will more readily remember how you chose to hold yourself up and bounce back. So when those challenges arise keep looking forward and onto the ways you can care for yourself and show others how easy it is to move on. It will always matter more what we do with ourselves after a mistake than any mistake we could ever make.

Daily Techniques To Invest In Your Mental Health

Regulating The Nervous System

When moments of panic, fear, or embarrassment happen our nervous system goes into overdrive out of a misattributed belief that any social situation is life or death. While your body is just doing what it believes is best to protect you, we can control to a certain extent that nervous activation. One of those ways is breathing techniques such as box breathing. To do so, over 4 counts of 4, breathe in (4), then hold your breath (4), then exhale (4), and finally hold your breath again (4). Repeat as many times as is needed to feel that adrenaline spike fade away. There is great scientific research behind how this and other tools work to calm us and if you are interested in it you can read more here. 

Challenge the temptation to consume stress

While this option may cause some eye-rolling it is nonetheless proven to be an effective way to improve one’s mental health - reducing or getting off of social media. I know it seems impossible for many because of how it has become rooted in our social lives but it must be said that ‘social connection platforms’ are becoming more and more harmful as opposed to helpful due to false accounts, algorithms, and bad actors taking over platforms.

A more realistic way to view getting on social media is that it is a choice to consume stress. Beyond that we all know social media is curated, meaning people often only show the highlights of their life. This being the case, our perception of what a normal healthy life is has become distorted into an unobtainable expectation of highlights and anything less sets off that alarm in our heads that we are not keeping up. So, if you can curate what content you see, limit time spent, or even move to non-algorithmic based platforms like texting or talking it will make it much easier to recenter to reality and lessen that daily comparison pressure. 

It Is Your Choice To Believe In Yourself

At the end of the day, at any point in life, it is a choice to either believe in yourself or not. After all, we think therefore we are. In the context of this discussion it is about remembering that the only person who gets to choose how you cultivate and decorate your internal world is you. Even in moments of fear, embarrassment, panic, or sadness; we still get to choose what we do with it. It does not have to be toxic positivity but it also does not have to be doom. Maybe you are more than a moment in your life and maybe other people are as well. Maybe we are all figuring it out and you have the freedom to be kind to yourself. 

Thriving in Social Chaos

Life will be full of challenges to overcome and a new school year is one of them that overwhelms more than others. The constant pressure to keep up with peers and find the perfect life when you are only just starting to understand who you are can introduce anxiety, depression, fear, embarrassment and plenty of other prickly feelings. Between remembering the bigger picture and practicing ways to take back control of our internal world we can absolutely achieve mental wellness even in our formative years. 

At RAFT Counseling, we are here to support you in exploring the right treatment approaches to navigate any of life’s challenges. We offer counseling for children, teens, and adults with options to meet via online counseling or in person at our Parker, CO office. If you or a loved one is in need of such support simply visit our website or contact us to get connected and on the path towards a more mentally well self.